Thursday, April 26, 2007

Presidents in my Pants

I like to pretend the money in my pocket is talking to each other. Yes I am aware that is weird but I told you I was random.


Alexander Hamilton: Damn that Aaron Burr!

Abraham Lincoln: Huh?

George Washington: Don't even ask.

Abraham Lincoln: I should have never gone to the theater that night. Damn wife. She kept bitching I never took her out anymore, with that whole "Civil War" thing going on. Should have stayed at home. Now look, you stupid hag.

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie, I hate those prissy actors. I bet they wear their wives' petticoats when they do the minuet. They wouldn't have made it in my regiment.

Alexander Hamilton: Let's go hunt Aaron Burr! Who's with me?

Abraham Lincoln: I don't think he's in this pocket.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Barnes and Noble is Smarter Than I Thought

When I was at Barnes and Noble the past weekend, I noticed that the "Romance" aisle was located right next to the aisle on "Diseases".

That was pure genius. I stood in Barnes and Noble chuckling to myself for sometime. I am sure everyone there wondered who the crazy girl was.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Morbidly Obese

TLC has been airing a lot of shows about the morbidly obese. Probably because there are a lot of morbidly obese people and that number shows no signs of decreasing.

But whatever. I like to watch these shows for some reason. Maybe novelty, or I am just rude, or I want to see if there is someone who makes cute clothes for these people and maybe that would be a good business.

And for a reason I cannot yet fathom, looking at morbidly obese people on these shows makes me hungry. I scooped out some cookies and cream ice cream to watch while I saw this show. Is that messed up in some way?

I guess the difference is I had a couple of scoops of ice cream, instead of a giant freaking carton, washed down with a two liter of coke and some sausage links covered in pancake syrup. I would wonder how these people got this way, but I know its due to addiction. Or a magic ring.

I dont' have an addictive personality, I am too flighty to stick with a vice for too long. For example, there was about two weeks at work where I ate tater tots every day. I could not get enough of the tots. After that two weeks I could barely look at the tots without wanting to hurl.

I will have to say,these shows are much more interesting that the crap that Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy have been lately. I think I'm hooked. But that won't last for long....

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Death, Finals, and More Stupidity

So I finally emailed my professor about my stupid group project. I guess one girl finally volunteered to do something significant, which was put together the project into one document. Well, guess what. The girl just copies and pastes all of our information (and copies and pastes some things more than once). After the copy and paste hackjob she emails me and says the project is complete. She must not have even read it, there are graphs in the middle of paragraphs, and the two aren't even related.

She sends it to me 4 hours before it's due. And half of it is missing. There is no table of contents. There are supposed to be 40 pages min and there are only 22 that I count. So I do the best I can and get the project put together. None of my other 4 group mates helped.

Now we get this email from our prof telling us our project was unacceptable. That's when I had to email him and tell him what I've been dealing with. He seems pretty cool about it, like he knows whats been going on.

Also, my friend's dad died. Which is terrible. I feel so awful for her. I think I know what she's going through, since I lost my dad 7 years ago, but it's different for everyone so I guess I can't say that, and then you are incorporating yourself into someone else's grief and are an attention whore.

It's finals week coming up. I HATE finals week. That plus working full time just makes me so angry because all I want to do is lie on the couch on my stomach and have people bring me food and watch marathons of Law and Order, Criminal Intent. Maybe the food bringer can be shirtless and hot and Christian Bale's identical twin. Or he can wear a ruffly shirt and have an english accent and look like Colin Firth.

But my dogs are rambunctious, there is laundry to do and my tests aren't going to study for themselves. Boo on that noise.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Right Thing

It's really hard to know what the right thing is for yourself.

I mean, I was seeing someone, and it really seemed like the right thing, but it turned out it wasn't. And that 's how all of my 'seeing people things' go. It seems ok, but there aren't any spectacular fireworks. And that is ok (I think), because good relationships take time to build. But the guy is always all,"I like you but it's not going any further and I don't feel 'that thing'" and then I am all 'duh' because it's true.

I have a lot of trouble with that, because the like part is very easy for me, but the 'anything further' part is a lot harder and I will just end up everyone's little sister or something. About 2 days ago I really cared about it but now I realized there really isn't anything I can do about it and that is the right thing for me.

It's also hard to do the right thing for other people. This project I have been working on...I swear these people are dumb, lazy, or both. They turn in terrible work and always have excuses. I want to shoot them. Well when they fucked up our final project, I had to email the professor. First time I had been a tattle tale in over 20 years. I got our final project 4 hours before it was due. It was jumbled, any part I didn't do was incomplete and wrong, and no one cited their sources. The group is all contrite about it--I have already begun to rectify the situation. The rest of my group is all contrite but as of yet, no results.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Emails from Weirdos.

Here is a smattering of weird emails I have gotten through the ages, on Myspace, my regular email, dating profiles, etc. They are kind of entertaining.

**A weirdo with some kind of country western get up says....
"hi nice oic if i was out danceing and seen you i would ask you to DANCE with me "

--Hi, you are a weirdo and if I was out and dancing and seen you i would RUN away as fast as I could.

**A drunken fraternity boy writes...
"whats up? u look great in ur pics, im a 24 year old from *****, i work at a daycare and am a sr in college, message me back and we can chat sometime, or im me, my aim is (withheld), whats urs? "

--Hey go do a kegstand. I am too old for you.

**A very young looking lad writes...
"heyy... i really liked ur profile and i think u fucking u think i can get to know u alittle better??...u seem like really awesome...if u can add me that'll be so cool - - ill leave u pic comments and w/e u want...ttyl"

--I don't even know what this says. Is this how the kids are talking now a days? OMGWTF?? a/b/c? Cowabunga dude!

Don't worry, there are plenty more where that came from but now I have to pay attention in class.

Friday, April 6, 2007

More People I Can't Stand

Have you ever met someone that embodies every single characteristic that you can't stand? Well I work with him. And don't say I am exaggerating. If you met this guy, you would hate him too. As a matter of fact, nobody likes him at ALL except for my boss. And that poses a problem.

So I shall now tell you how he embodies every attribute that I hate in an entertaining way.

  • Loud as hell: Hey, after a few beers my volume rises, and that's ok. It's expected at a bar, and gets kind of funny when I make fun of someone and am too drunk to realize they can hear me. But when you are at work and talking on the phone SO LOUDLY that I can hear you at 100 paces (yes, I counted), this means you are either almost deaf or REALLY have to let everyone know that you are a big important guy working on big important things. You deserve to be clubbed in the head, especially when you pull this crap in a cube farm where you are disturbing others.
  • Condescending: He talks down to everyone, including my boss. My boss has a more advanced degree in a harder field so I would imagine that my boss gets really annoyed by having 9th grade chemistry re-explained to him. But he seems to appreciate it. I don't know what the hell kind of magic this guy is capable of, but I think he sneaks into my boss's house at night and waves a magic amulet in front of him until he 'gets sleepy'. We work in a manufacturing environment and he also talks down to the operators, machinists, and maintenance personnel. That's a great way to get your projects lost, your computer loaded with viruses, and your car keyed.
  • Delusions of Grandeur: He thinks he is a lot more important than he is. When he is talking to other managers, he approaches a problem with this phrase,"Well, if I were in charge of this area, I would..." ...hey there you waste of blood and're not in charge of anything, and this is most likely for a reason. If you were in charge of something, you would blabber about it endlessly, then instead of doing your job blow up a seahorse innertube and want some recognition.
  • Talks a lot, does nothing: This guy can talk a good game, and at an impressive volume. He is always talking about how busy he is. But he consistently misses deadlines and never shows tangible results on anything. Unless you give him a project and ask him about it 6 months later. And it takes me 10 minutes to do the same thing.
  • Cannot dress properly: Is his wife blind?
  • A bit pervy: Freely admitted he has gone to playgrounds and taken pictures of random little kids.
  • Backstabbing: When none of the above tactics work, he gains favor with others by questioning colleague's credentials and ability to do their job. Hey, if I can't look good, I will just make everyone else look worse. It's not working, jerkoff.

Dry Spells and Cold Snaps

So, I haven't posted as frequently as I normally do. Mostly because these posts have been shit, and I didn't want to post anything else shitty.

It's also gotten cold today and is supposed to stay cold for a while. Texas weather is literally all over the place. I had just turned on my A/C and now it's supposed to be in the high 30's tonight. My two dogs are huddled around me for warmth. Small dogs. And no, they are not purse dogs, nor are they dogs that wear clothes. I encourage them to be real dogs, but sometimes they are just like babies.

I am in a shitty mood as well. Work is kind of annoying, and my plans tonight fell through. They fell through for a legitimately good reason, and I am not angry at the person who had to bail, but I hate it when I have something planned and then I don't. Despite my randomness and stream of consciousness that I project here, I am really a control freak who likes her routine....and have to schedule things in advance and know what I am doing well ahead of time or I get nervous and foul tempered when those things don't happen. Man, that sounds bad. I guess that makes me some sort of control freak or borderline OCD.

I have actually gotten a lot more spontaneous (or like to think I am) and enjoy my nights in. I guess I used to think that staying in made me a loser or something. But now I don't mind so much. I guess this is the moment where I talk about how I am my own best company and I have learned to love myself, but fuck that noise. I hate that Oprah psychobabble shit. I've just gotten lazier and don't care about impressing people so much.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

People I don't like

Paris Hilton-- Ugh, don't get me started. Ok, DO get me started...
I don't know if it was the sex tape, the creepy lazy eye, or the Michael Jackson nose. Homegirl reminds me of an Aryan buzzard.

J. Lo -- I just don't get it.
I hated her when she was super popular. Usually I hate people who are super popular because their presence annoys me. My hatred for her has waned, since she no longer rules the world. But her husband looks like the cryptkeeper.

El Jefe -- Loud, Annoying, Ass-Kisser at work

People who don't use blinkers
--Hey asshole, I almost rear-ended you because you haven't mastered the art of pushing a lever.

--'Nuff said on that.

People who aren't reading my blog
--Cause obviously they aren't cool


I am so freakin' bored that I actually cleaned the bathroom. And it was already reasonably clean.

Monday, April 2, 2007

The Island of Lost Men

I have gone through my fair share of breakups in my time. The best way for me to deal with these things is to send my ex to what I like to call the Island of Lost Men. It's a faraway mythical place, where all the ex boyfriends go. It is not a bad place, but it is not near me. It is outside of drunk dial range.

I am a fan of it because then there is little confusion and everyone gets to move on with their life. However, sometimes the castaways return from their island and I spot them or their dopplegangers at various locales. I sit around and wonder how they got off their island, and if they got off of their island so quickly to run into me, how come it took Gilligan so long? Why hasn't the cast of Lost caught on? Questions, questions...

I had a castaway slip off the island recently. I thought about it long enough to come up with this blog and then there was a tray of mimosas and everything got hazy. Then the bartender at this event gave me a red wine glass of champagne and there was talk of matzoh in the buffet.

By the way, Happy Passover to all my fellow MOT. I like to eat the horseradish.

Blah Blah Blah

I am sitting in my Marketing Class, the teacher is talking, and I am not listening. My thoughts on this class are shown in a detailed illustration as you can see. Getting a master's at night can really be a drag.

I think this is a pretty accurate self portrait. In this rendering, I am pissed off about a lot of things. My left leg has been detached from my body and I have no nose. Wouldn't that piss you off?