Monday, July 9, 2007

Don't Wake the Giant

Right now I am sitting in strategic management class. I don't know if it's the nature of the class or the idiots in it, but everyone (of the 80 students) has got to add their stupid little anecdotal irrelevant personal stories to every case and example. It lengthens the class by approximately one hour. I do not want to spend an extra hour with you oxygen stealers.

Here's a sample: Discussing Home Depot strategy, and some attention whore in the front row raises her hand and talks about how terrible Home Depot was because they screwed up her microwave.

I gave her a look that said, "Hey crazy face, what the HELL does this have to do with corporate strategy and marketing?"

Somehow, this devolves into a symposium of whining about shitty customer service. Some dude starts kvetching about his tv from Sony. Snore.

All of this whining...wakes the giant.

The giant is a very annoying guy with some warped opinions. He is about 7 feet tall and covered in facial hair. He talks loudly and for what seems like an eternity. Whenever there is a class discussion he has to share some freak ideology and present it as accepted law. There was the corporate lettuce farming conspiracy, and the statement that "If you slap an American label on it, the Chinese will buy anything."

The giant wakes and does not bother to raise his hand, just interrupts the prof, talking about Wal Mart.

"Take Wal Mart for example. You don't shop at Wal Mart because you want to. You shop at Wal Mart because you HAVE TO. But I don't buy my suits there no no. I buy my ties at Macy's."

After some more incoherent rambling, the giant finally slumbers again...until next time.

Oh PS -- some guy showed up and his wife just had a baby this evening. And he comes to CLASS?? What a loser. I bet his wife is so proud she married such a loving and caring guy.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Go to your high school me.

I didn't know if I believed in karma until my 10 year high school reunion, which was held last weekend.

A little background, I was a shy, skinny, awkward kid who had a few too many perms, braces, and no fashion sense. I was in Advanced Placement classes and had goody goody not popular (but amazingly awesome and great) friends. I didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs (unless you count some wine coolers my senior year). Boys would ask me out as a joke or a dare, I didn't go to my senior prom.

Trust me, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I went back for the ten year reunion. It was a little daunting stepping in there by myself and facing the gauntlet, but I found my old friends and they all looked amazing. And I saw the people who weren't so nice, and they had become as ugly on the outside as they were on the inside. My 'goody goody' friends and I and all the really nice, good people were the best looking and most successful people there.

There was also toasted ravioli, and I love that.

Also, drunk popular guys who didn't pay any attention to me in high school got drunk and tried to hit on me. HA! Denied.

To all the nerds out there...just wait. :)

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I'm Still Up

I have found a new drink, called the wine spritzer and it is yum. We just took some wine and some sprite and voila, wine spritzers. The wine lasts a lot longer and rocks. Kudos to Amber for thinking up that great idea and bringing over Sprite. We took it to a friend's party.

Also we were trying to come up with a more PC name for Chinese Finger Cuffs. Ben and I were discussing and we thought "Asian Phalange Retainer" was a little better. But it's probably worse. Don't stone me. I think he won the Asian Phalange Retainers in some battle of wits with the Dave and Buster's basketball game. It was a test of skill.

Also if you are smoking pot at a party, don't make it that obvious. And do something about the smell, it is putrid. But all of a sudden I feel very laid back and am hungry.

Also Taco Cabana is the best place ever. I just ate a bean and cheese burrito at 2 am. Remind me I did this when I get to 40 and get heartburn from just looking at a burrito.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

My Professor Goes Skinny Dipping, And Other Things I Didn't Want to Know

I'm in class, and my prof is talking about how he and his wife use Appreciative Inquiry to help their relationship.

...And they talked about going skinny dipping, massages, and calling each other Mr. Chocolate.

Still going....

And he's also a good dancer.

Monday, June 11, 2007

DIRTY! Blast From the Past 3

From: Ginsuchop Sent: Monday, April 22, 2002 12:57 PM
To: RandomGirlinTX, GetawayDriver, Kim-eh
Subject: RE: Any subject

Went to lunch and was sitting at stop light, bird pooped on wind shield right in front of my face. Almost puked. Now car is DIRTY!!!!
Got message on computer this morning that said I had 322 files with viruses that had to be fixed. Now computer is DIRTY!!!!
Bug ran out on bathroom floor this morning. It was a silverfish. A big one too, probably cause it and all his friends are eating holes in my brand new $4000 wardrobe. I stepped on it. Now my apartment is DIRTY!!!!
Just spilled coffee on desk. Now cube is DIRTY!!!!
Ok, I'm just going to go find a mud puddle and roll around in it.

From: Kim-eh
To: RandomGirlinTX, Ginsuchop, GetawayDriver
Subject: RE: Any subject
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 1:01:52

My phones are DIRTY! Everyone else is out data testing a new system, b/c we have to get this data in by Wednesday, but the stupid IT ppl didn't load my phone into the system so they are DIRTY!
Want to take a nap after huge FREE lunch. We all got dessert. Wonder how much it cost? Wait, no I don't b/c I DON"T CARE! free for me.
Later Kim-eh

From: RandomGirlinTX
To: Kim-eh, Ginsuchop, GetawayDriver
Subject: RE: Any subject
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 1:45:52 PM

DIRTY!!!!!!! I want to play too! This morning my pillow smelled like Pine Sol and I have no clue why. DIRTY!
I ran across a silverfish too the other day. I Raid-ed him. HE screamed "Oh no...RAID!".....DIRTY!
Sprouted another large zit on my face...DIRTY!
My house still smells like Brye's feet...DIRTY! My lunch was not free...DIRTY!

From: GetawayDriver
Sent: Monday, April 22, 2002 2:56 PM
To: RandomGirlinTX, Ginsuchop, Kim-eh
Subject: RE: Any subject

I just had to transfer gonnorhea from a little tube to an agar plate......DIRTY!!!!
Had 1 hour meeting where males just wanted to hear themselves talk.........DIRTY!!!!!
Found silverfish in my apartment, too-wore sweater on Friday with hole in the back, Jared was making fun of me b/c I didn't notice until we came back from dinner.......DIRTY!!!!
Had to pay for my lunch, although it was only $0.74..........DIRTY!!!!!!
Princess is going yet another week without any nookie, so she's taking it out on me......DIRTY!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Tentacle Todd and Burnt Beans...Blast From the Past 2

I had been a single girl in Dallas for almost a month, and I went on my first date to some odd results. Ginsuchop didn't fare much better in her quest to hide the smell of burnt beans.

From: RandomGirlinTX
To: GetawayDriver, Ginsuchop, Kim-eh
Subject: Dirty!
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002 05:50:16

Date went as follows:
Went out to a cute little Mexican restaurant. Talked over dinner, good conversation, things are going well. It only takes us about a half hour to eat.

So, we both decided to go back to my house and watch Cops. So we are watching Cops and sitting at opposite ends of the room.

Then, out of nowhere, during the commercial break, he gets up to *stretch*, and then comes over and kisses me. I was completely shocked, but things were going well so a little kiss can’t hurt. Too bad as soon as commercial break is over, he stops and becomes completely immersed in the tv again (even though he had seen this episode before). Then the next commercial break hits, and he comes at me again.

As the first element of surprise has worn off, I realize that this guy was devouring my whole face in a sucker on a tentacle sort of fashion. Luckily, commercial breaks are not long. He shall now be known as Tentacle Todd.

I ended the date after Cops was finished. Was hoping to have intelligent discussion over criminal law system, or at least wifebeater tees and instead almost got devoured by a giant squid.

From: Ginsuchop
To: GetawayDriver, RandomGirlinTX, Kim-eh
Subject: Dirty!
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002 09:23:16

My weekend was relatively uneventful.
Impounded cars: 0, burnt food incidents: 1 (Editor’s note: After a night of drinking with me, Ginsuchop decided to go back to her place and cook some pinto beans. Unfortunately she passed out while the beans were on the stove. The next morning there was a putrid burnt pinto bean smell emanating from her apt. I could smell it from the parking lot), dirty boy count: 2.

Mom told me to simmer some vinegar on the stove as is supposed to absorb (pinto bean) smell, in theory. Burnt it. Now apartment smells like combination of burnt pinto beans and burnt vinegar.

Got mauled by 35-year old Italian in club who sounded just like the pepper boy from SNL. Also got hit on by Ed Burns look-a-like with shaggy hair and a plaid shirt who had very racist language.

He asked to call me sometime. Neglected to tell him that name was not in phone book as have just moved to Dallas. Oops.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Blast from the Past Part 1

A little background on this one....I had just moved to TX, and my long distance boyfriend had stopped talking to me period, and I had heard from more than one person he found a new little 'hookup' in the form of a girl who was far uglier. I decided to take matters into my own hands. GetawayDriver helps me rationalize my situation.

From: RandomGirlinTX
To: GetawayDriver
Subject: Confidential
Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2002 06:59:18

Is it cheating if you kiss a doctor or does it just count as preventative medicine, and do you think my health plan will cover it?

From: GetawayDriver
To: RandomGirlinTX
Subject: Confidential
Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2002 07:35:06

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! It's not had a sore throat and he was testing for Streptococcus :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

An Update and Something New...

Well after my last downer of a post, it seems this week is looking much better than last week. Date guy resurfaced, my car will be ready tomorrow, I am no longer sick, and it stopped raining.

I am going to try something new. I was going through some old emails with my 3 BFFs from college, especially the ones where we had just moved our separate ways and started working in 2002. They are hilarious, so I am going to start posting them. Names and places have been changed to protect identities. Just so you can tell who's who, here is a little primer on each of us. We all have nicknames below.

Ginsuchop: Ginsuchop is the diva of the group with great fashion sense. She got a master's in Environmental Engineering and started working for an environmental consulting firm in the Dallas area. She got an apt across the parking lot from me when we first started out, so we went out all the time.

Kim-eh: Kim-eh graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering and went to work for a telecom company in the Kansas City area. She has a fiance we will call MC Hammer at the time of graduation.

Getaway Driver: Named that because she was our getaway driver one night, and it was a SLOW getaway in her Corrolla. But she can still be my getaway driver anytime. She graduated with a degree in Biology and went to work for a Bio Tech company in St. Louis.

RandomGirlinTX: That's me. I ended up in DFW working as an engineer for a defense company.
That should be all the background necessary, let the trip down memory lane begin...

Friday, June 1, 2007

The Latest on Cars, Men, and Sickness

The good news...

It turns out that the guy that hit my car has admitted responsibility, and the car will be ready next week. I miss the Mini.

The bad news is that a nice guy I went on a few dates with seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet. He could call, but my interest wanes with each passing day. I swear the day I start to understand men will be the day Britney Spears doesn't look like she needs to be dipped in a vat of Lysol.

Yesterday was a terrible day. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating one minute, shivering the next. I woke up to the worst sinus congestion ever. Then I pulled it together only to go to work, fall on the stairs, and right on top of my lunch.

It's been a terrible, horrible, no good very bad week. I'm thinking of moving to Australia.
If you know where that quote is from you are a rock star.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Poor Little Bam Bam

My poor poor car.

His name is Bam Bam and he is a red Mini Cooper convertible. Such a cute car. Now he is mangled since some dude in a Lexus ran a red light and clipped the front left corner of my baby.

The good thing is I have witnesses. Three, who saw the whole thing and will say he ran the light. The bad news is that there is some significant damage. I'm ok and everything, and that's all that counts...but...

I haven't even had that car a YEAR YET!!!


Tomorrow it goes into the shop and I get a rental. It better not suck.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

You're Talking to Yourself Again...

I finally jumped into 2005 and got one of those bluetooth headsets. It's soo awesome but now I am that asshole that walks around the grocery store talking to herself. If I was in a dark alley and dressed in day old rags, other bums would try to pee on me and steal my magic bag. Even my dog thinks I am an asshole for getting this thing.

"You're an asshole, Mom."

See? Told ya. Maybe I can hide it behind my hair.

People I Love

Since I wrote a blog on people I hate, it's only fair I do the flip side and write a blog on people I love. And since I have a glass of wine in front of me, I love everyone. But these people just make me smile and I love them even when there is no wine.

My friends are the fun married couple known as C&M. They are a lot of fun, love each other without nauseating me (hard to do), and are smart and open minded. They never forget a birthday, and they come and take you out if you've been dumped. When they go on a trip they think of you enough to bring you a present. I'm really lucky to have them in my life.

Normally I hate people who seem to be awesome and perfect. But you've gotta love these guys. Especially M that time she got drunk and grabbed peoples hineys. Or C when he got drunk and kept patting my head. They live in a cloud of awesome, convincing me that being married does not equal being dead. Plus they have a really large cat. And that spells awesome in any language.

Text Messages from the Future

This might be a good sci-fi movie. I got a text message from the future. Seemingly inconsequential, but if this follows typical sci fi movie storylines, then I should get a text message from the future warning me that someone is going to blow up a bus station and then steal Uranium 238 from an underground bunker so they can blow up a major US City. Dear Homeland Security, this is NOT REAL.

But I digress. The text message I got from the future was regarding a friend coming over. She was supposed to be here at 6:30, but traffic was bad and she text messaged me. I received a text at 6:38 saying "Almost there!". But the time on the text message was 6:41, three minutes in the future! And guess what time she showed up at my house? You guessed it, 6:41 pm. Weird.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Presidents in my Pants

I like to pretend the money in my pocket is talking to each other. Yes I am aware that is weird but I told you I was random.


Alexander Hamilton: Damn that Aaron Burr!

Abraham Lincoln: Huh?

George Washington: Don't even ask.

Abraham Lincoln: I should have never gone to the theater that night. Damn wife. She kept bitching I never took her out anymore, with that whole "Civil War" thing going on. Should have stayed at home. Now look, you stupid hag.

George Washington: I cannot tell a lie, I hate those prissy actors. I bet they wear their wives' petticoats when they do the minuet. They wouldn't have made it in my regiment.

Alexander Hamilton: Let's go hunt Aaron Burr! Who's with me?

Abraham Lincoln: I don't think he's in this pocket.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Barnes and Noble is Smarter Than I Thought

When I was at Barnes and Noble the past weekend, I noticed that the "Romance" aisle was located right next to the aisle on "Diseases".

That was pure genius. I stood in Barnes and Noble chuckling to myself for sometime. I am sure everyone there wondered who the crazy girl was.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Morbidly Obese

TLC has been airing a lot of shows about the morbidly obese. Probably because there are a lot of morbidly obese people and that number shows no signs of decreasing.

But whatever. I like to watch these shows for some reason. Maybe novelty, or I am just rude, or I want to see if there is someone who makes cute clothes for these people and maybe that would be a good business.

And for a reason I cannot yet fathom, looking at morbidly obese people on these shows makes me hungry. I scooped out some cookies and cream ice cream to watch while I saw this show. Is that messed up in some way?

I guess the difference is I had a couple of scoops of ice cream, instead of a giant freaking carton, washed down with a two liter of coke and some sausage links covered in pancake syrup. I would wonder how these people got this way, but I know its due to addiction. Or a magic ring.

I dont' have an addictive personality, I am too flighty to stick with a vice for too long. For example, there was about two weeks at work where I ate tater tots every day. I could not get enough of the tots. After that two weeks I could barely look at the tots without wanting to hurl.

I will have to say,these shows are much more interesting that the crap that Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy have been lately. I think I'm hooked. But that won't last for long....

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Death, Finals, and More Stupidity

So I finally emailed my professor about my stupid group project. I guess one girl finally volunteered to do something significant, which was put together the project into one document. Well, guess what. The girl just copies and pastes all of our information (and copies and pastes some things more than once). After the copy and paste hackjob she emails me and says the project is complete. She must not have even read it, there are graphs in the middle of paragraphs, and the two aren't even related.

She sends it to me 4 hours before it's due. And half of it is missing. There is no table of contents. There are supposed to be 40 pages min and there are only 22 that I count. So I do the best I can and get the project put together. None of my other 4 group mates helped.

Now we get this email from our prof telling us our project was unacceptable. That's when I had to email him and tell him what I've been dealing with. He seems pretty cool about it, like he knows whats been going on.

Also, my friend's dad died. Which is terrible. I feel so awful for her. I think I know what she's going through, since I lost my dad 7 years ago, but it's different for everyone so I guess I can't say that, and then you are incorporating yourself into someone else's grief and are an attention whore.

It's finals week coming up. I HATE finals week. That plus working full time just makes me so angry because all I want to do is lie on the couch on my stomach and have people bring me food and watch marathons of Law and Order, Criminal Intent. Maybe the food bringer can be shirtless and hot and Christian Bale's identical twin. Or he can wear a ruffly shirt and have an english accent and look like Colin Firth.

But my dogs are rambunctious, there is laundry to do and my tests aren't going to study for themselves. Boo on that noise.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Right Thing

It's really hard to know what the right thing is for yourself.

I mean, I was seeing someone, and it really seemed like the right thing, but it turned out it wasn't. And that 's how all of my 'seeing people things' go. It seems ok, but there aren't any spectacular fireworks. And that is ok (I think), because good relationships take time to build. But the guy is always all,"I like you but it's not going any further and I don't feel 'that thing'" and then I am all 'duh' because it's true.

I have a lot of trouble with that, because the like part is very easy for me, but the 'anything further' part is a lot harder and I will just end up everyone's little sister or something. About 2 days ago I really cared about it but now I realized there really isn't anything I can do about it and that is the right thing for me.

It's also hard to do the right thing for other people. This project I have been working on...I swear these people are dumb, lazy, or both. They turn in terrible work and always have excuses. I want to shoot them. Well when they fucked up our final project, I had to email the professor. First time I had been a tattle tale in over 20 years. I got our final project 4 hours before it was due. It was jumbled, any part I didn't do was incomplete and wrong, and no one cited their sources. The group is all contrite about it--I have already begun to rectify the situation. The rest of my group is all contrite but as of yet, no results.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Emails from Weirdos.

Here is a smattering of weird emails I have gotten through the ages, on Myspace, my regular email, dating profiles, etc. They are kind of entertaining.

**A weirdo with some kind of country western get up says....
"hi nice oic if i was out danceing and seen you i would ask you to DANCE with me "

--Hi, you are a weirdo and if I was out and dancing and seen you i would RUN away as fast as I could.

**A drunken fraternity boy writes...
"whats up? u look great in ur pics, im a 24 year old from *****, i work at a daycare and am a sr in college, message me back and we can chat sometime, or im me, my aim is (withheld), whats urs? "

--Hey go do a kegstand. I am too old for you.

**A very young looking lad writes...
"heyy... i really liked ur profile and i think u fucking u think i can get to know u alittle better??...u seem like really awesome...if u can add me that'll be so cool - - ill leave u pic comments and w/e u want...ttyl"

--I don't even know what this says. Is this how the kids are talking now a days? OMGWTF?? a/b/c? Cowabunga dude!

Don't worry, there are plenty more where that came from but now I have to pay attention in class.

Friday, April 6, 2007

More People I Can't Stand

Have you ever met someone that embodies every single characteristic that you can't stand? Well I work with him. And don't say I am exaggerating. If you met this guy, you would hate him too. As a matter of fact, nobody likes him at ALL except for my boss. And that poses a problem.

So I shall now tell you how he embodies every attribute that I hate in an entertaining way.

  • Loud as hell: Hey, after a few beers my volume rises, and that's ok. It's expected at a bar, and gets kind of funny when I make fun of someone and am too drunk to realize they can hear me. But when you are at work and talking on the phone SO LOUDLY that I can hear you at 100 paces (yes, I counted), this means you are either almost deaf or REALLY have to let everyone know that you are a big important guy working on big important things. You deserve to be clubbed in the head, especially when you pull this crap in a cube farm where you are disturbing others.
  • Condescending: He talks down to everyone, including my boss. My boss has a more advanced degree in a harder field so I would imagine that my boss gets really annoyed by having 9th grade chemistry re-explained to him. But he seems to appreciate it. I don't know what the hell kind of magic this guy is capable of, but I think he sneaks into my boss's house at night and waves a magic amulet in front of him until he 'gets sleepy'. We work in a manufacturing environment and he also talks down to the operators, machinists, and maintenance personnel. That's a great way to get your projects lost, your computer loaded with viruses, and your car keyed.
  • Delusions of Grandeur: He thinks he is a lot more important than he is. When he is talking to other managers, he approaches a problem with this phrase,"Well, if I were in charge of this area, I would..." ...hey there you waste of blood and're not in charge of anything, and this is most likely for a reason. If you were in charge of something, you would blabber about it endlessly, then instead of doing your job blow up a seahorse innertube and want some recognition.
  • Talks a lot, does nothing: This guy can talk a good game, and at an impressive volume. He is always talking about how busy he is. But he consistently misses deadlines and never shows tangible results on anything. Unless you give him a project and ask him about it 6 months later. And it takes me 10 minutes to do the same thing.
  • Cannot dress properly: Is his wife blind?
  • A bit pervy: Freely admitted he has gone to playgrounds and taken pictures of random little kids.
  • Backstabbing: When none of the above tactics work, he gains favor with others by questioning colleague's credentials and ability to do their job. Hey, if I can't look good, I will just make everyone else look worse. It's not working, jerkoff.

Dry Spells and Cold Snaps

So, I haven't posted as frequently as I normally do. Mostly because these posts have been shit, and I didn't want to post anything else shitty.

It's also gotten cold today and is supposed to stay cold for a while. Texas weather is literally all over the place. I had just turned on my A/C and now it's supposed to be in the high 30's tonight. My two dogs are huddled around me for warmth. Small dogs. And no, they are not purse dogs, nor are they dogs that wear clothes. I encourage them to be real dogs, but sometimes they are just like babies.

I am in a shitty mood as well. Work is kind of annoying, and my plans tonight fell through. They fell through for a legitimately good reason, and I am not angry at the person who had to bail, but I hate it when I have something planned and then I don't. Despite my randomness and stream of consciousness that I project here, I am really a control freak who likes her routine....and have to schedule things in advance and know what I am doing well ahead of time or I get nervous and foul tempered when those things don't happen. Man, that sounds bad. I guess that makes me some sort of control freak or borderline OCD.

I have actually gotten a lot more spontaneous (or like to think I am) and enjoy my nights in. I guess I used to think that staying in made me a loser or something. But now I don't mind so much. I guess this is the moment where I talk about how I am my own best company and I have learned to love myself, but fuck that noise. I hate that Oprah psychobabble shit. I've just gotten lazier and don't care about impressing people so much.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

People I don't like

Paris Hilton-- Ugh, don't get me started. Ok, DO get me started...
I don't know if it was the sex tape, the creepy lazy eye, or the Michael Jackson nose. Homegirl reminds me of an Aryan buzzard.

J. Lo -- I just don't get it.
I hated her when she was super popular. Usually I hate people who are super popular because their presence annoys me. My hatred for her has waned, since she no longer rules the world. But her husband looks like the cryptkeeper.

El Jefe -- Loud, Annoying, Ass-Kisser at work

People who don't use blinkers
--Hey asshole, I almost rear-ended you because you haven't mastered the art of pushing a lever.

--'Nuff said on that.

People who aren't reading my blog
--Cause obviously they aren't cool


I am so freakin' bored that I actually cleaned the bathroom. And it was already reasonably clean.

Monday, April 2, 2007

The Island of Lost Men

I have gone through my fair share of breakups in my time. The best way for me to deal with these things is to send my ex to what I like to call the Island of Lost Men. It's a faraway mythical place, where all the ex boyfriends go. It is not a bad place, but it is not near me. It is outside of drunk dial range.

I am a fan of it because then there is little confusion and everyone gets to move on with their life. However, sometimes the castaways return from their island and I spot them or their dopplegangers at various locales. I sit around and wonder how they got off their island, and if they got off of their island so quickly to run into me, how come it took Gilligan so long? Why hasn't the cast of Lost caught on? Questions, questions...

I had a castaway slip off the island recently. I thought about it long enough to come up with this blog and then there was a tray of mimosas and everything got hazy. Then the bartender at this event gave me a red wine glass of champagne and there was talk of matzoh in the buffet.

By the way, Happy Passover to all my fellow MOT. I like to eat the horseradish.

Blah Blah Blah

I am sitting in my Marketing Class, the teacher is talking, and I am not listening. My thoughts on this class are shown in a detailed illustration as you can see. Getting a master's at night can really be a drag.

I think this is a pretty accurate self portrait. In this rendering, I am pissed off about a lot of things. My left leg has been detached from my body and I have no nose. Wouldn't that piss you off?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Sisterhood of the Stall Doors

I was talking to a girl last night, and came to the realization that the women's restroom is the last frontier of sisterhood. In the women's restroom, women pass each other toilet paper, compliment each other's outfits, console each other over dealings with stupid men, and give sage drunken advice.

As soon as women leave this sacred place, the sisterhood veil evaporates. They act like they don't know each other, and may even say something catty about their former acquaintance out in the wide open world.

Crazy huh??

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Random New Word

Pronounced -- Hoar-e-a-door
Source: Taken from the Spanish Conquistador
Origin: 2005, after a real life encounter of something I didn't have a word for.

Definition: A woman who feels entitled to be center stage in their male friends lives. The whoreador does not like her male friends to date anyone else, or pay attention to other girls. The whoreador may have dated the male(s) previously, and even broken up with him/them. However, she subconsciously does not want to give up that intimacy and control.

Ladies, I am sure you run into this. And if you haven't run into this, you are this.

She starts out nice enough, but if you are dating a man with a whoreador friend she will become increasingly aggressive and start 'competing' for your man's time. Most men don't realize this but will feel 'guilted' in the struggle.

If you encounter a whoreador: remain calm. She will most likely hang herself being needy and aggressive.

If you are a whoreador: Loosen up the death grip on your friend, be happy for them, and go get some action yourself :)

Mental Midgets in Grad School

Gotta vent here.

I am sure that most of you, in your school days, had experience with this venture called "The Group Project". I am getting my MBA, and pretty much all of the classes consist of group projects.

Not all groups work harmoniously, different people have different viewpoints, and that should be respected.

But these people are f*cking morons.

I mean, I don't even know how they manage the process of respiration on their own. I am legitimately surprised manage to feed themselves, use the bathroom, and operate a motor vehicle. I imagine several of them just roll out of bed, stare at the alarm clock, try to eat it, and then ask it if it has change for a $5 bill.

They can't complete any of the menial tasks of this project unless I tell them what to do. Get this, I don't just tell them what to do because I am a bossy bitch. They email me and ask what they should be doing because they can't dissect a simple task on their own. They also can't complete these tasks on any kind of legitimate timetable. Apparently, turning in an assignment Sunday night means Monday at 4 pm. Also, apparently they cannot make meetings that they decide to schedule.

Ok. Feel better now.

...And scene.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Daily Random

There isn't much going on so I will tell you about the random happenings of my day. In response to being called fat yesterday, I marched myself into the work cafeteria and got the most enormous cinnamon roll they had. I thought about going to sit in the fitness center to eat said cinnamon roll, but I decided to do it at my desk and let the scent of the cinnamon roll just waft through the area.

A girl at work really liked my jacket.

It was very quiet since the loudest, most annoying man on the planet was NOT at his desk today.

I found out that when John Quincy Adams was President, he would go skinny dipping in the Potomac River every morning.

Took a nap on my couch and drooled on my pillow. I am a pillow drooler. It is soooo pathetic. That is why I frequently replace pillows. My friends think it is just because I am finicky and can't decide on a decorating style. Sometimes when they come over and touch my couch pillows I am all "Hee hee. I drooled on that."

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


I just thought of this...

Shittake mushrooms are full of 'shit'.

Hey said....

Bring on the random...

Wide Load, Coming Through

In my life I have been very lucky. I have always done sports and been slim. I never understood why girls had eating disorders or let being called 'fat' bother them. Until I was called it myself.

Lets set the stage. I go to a health fair at work. Actually, 'health fair' is a misnomer, it's called a 'spew bullshit' fair instead. A little background on me...I am 5'6" and a size 0-4 depending on where I am shopping. That is not fat.

Yet somehow, the genius calculating my BMI gets it wrong (I later calculated it myself, it's 21.8 but this idiot got 23.8). He then tells me that "you need to work on this, it's high, have you been working out?".

Hey dumbass, maybe you need to work on passing 3rd grade math. While you're at it, the combover does not hide your male pattern baldness--if you want to beautify this office why don't you start in your own backyard, but I digress.

Then these morons tell me my blood pressure is high and I am at risk for hypertension. 120/70. Yeah, if I am at risk for hypertension we all are. Suck it Trebek.

But long story short, even though I knew these comments were bogus, a little part of them stung. Then all of a sudden I felt like I had a little bit of insight into why some of my family and friends can be so obsessive and why women today have body image issues.

Ladies, you are all beautiful, f*ck the haters, go paint with all the colors of the wind, and remember you can always diet, but a f*cking asshole is still a f*cking asshole.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Memo to the Guys I Work With:

Dear Men I Work With,

What is going on with the porn star mustache? I hate it. It scares me. You are all old and have young impressionable children. They don't need to think Daddy is a wannabe 70's porn star. If you don't know if you have a porn star 'stache, you do. But you can check here for confirmation.

Also, don't give me the creepy stare. I realize there aren't many women that work with us, and even fewer that don't have their own porn star mustache. However, don't give me the creepy serial killer gaze, like you can see through to the back of my skull and eat my brain for breakfast.

One more thing. The shirt has to match the the belt which has to match the shoes. Black shirt, brown belt brown shoes is a nonono.


What happened last weekend?

What DIDN'T happen last weekend? It was St. Patrick's Day, which to me, has always been an excuse to deck myself out in my favorite color, drink some beer, and spend some quality time with my friends. This year was a banner year, two of my college roommates flew down to help me celebrate.

I went to pick them up at the airport, and they are half drunk. Turns out that one of the girls, (we'll call her Roomie A) brought along several sample size Smirnoff Vanilla Vodka liquor bottles to spike their drinks. When I show up to get them, they grabbed my coffee and spiked it as well.

St. Patrick's Day involved getting up early to start drinking early. There's a big parade down here so we had to get downtown early. We also had to get to drinking early. I know we got a bottle of Ketel One vodka and a 6 pack of Sunny Delight. After we got to the parade site it gets a little hazy. Here is what I DO know:

  • I lost my hat.
  • I gained a hat
  • I lost a hat again
  • There were tequila shots during the parade
  • We were brazen enough to open beer and drink it IN the grocery store, we couldn't make it outside.
  • The manager of said grocery store had to tell Roomie B "Ma'am, your beer is foaming."
  • I ran into someone I used to date
  • That someone I used to date started talking to someone I am currently dating, and a surreal moment was born.
  • I yelled at a bunch of people who were taking too long in the Jack in the Box bathroom
  • I ate a pizza in a cab
  • I petted two police horses
  • We didn't see Roomie A until 10 AM the next day.
Yeah, that about sums it up.

New Beginnings and Old Hangovers

I have decided to start writing things down. Why? Why the heck not? My randomness usually proves entertaining to my friends, so why should I deprive you? So here, in this space on the internet, I will record the ramblings of a crazy 20-something in Texas. Riveting, I know.

So, like rusty metal in a dumpster, so are the days of my random life.